Nisi Drew and the puffy throat

Last spring, when I was having my "holy shit, i've been unemployed for a month and rent is due" garage sale, I parted with my little space heater for $4. It was a powerful little mofo, and very safe. I think it was meant to heat garages and warehouses. In the drafty polar shelf that is my edwardian apartment in the wintertime, that little space heater got me through tough times.

Well, the times they are a tough. My ass is freezing. I honestly considered the pros and cons of adding a pot to piss in to my room so I can avoid the arctic blast of our hallway at night.

I woke up today and suddenly the act of swallowing was difficult. My voice is doing that sexy delta blues thing. I do believe that I have caught something.

The moral of the story is that I could have caught this throat thingie from SO MANY SOURCES and I wish I could pinpoint what it was so I don't feel like such a party hearty hooligan.

Could it have been the four different people I've made out with over the past week?

Or perhaps bacteria/germs/nastiness from the table and cups that held vast amounts of beer and debris from our flippy cup game.

Or could it be something as innocent and simple as an office bug?

While we're at it, is this my body's way of telling me that I work too much?

Is implimenting the five second rule on muni a bad call? What about eating on muni? Or, for that matter, going on muni without latex gloves?

Should I not talk so incessantly?

Or is it some kind of combo of going home only to shower and thus running all over the goddamn freezing bay area with wet hair and flip flops?

Get thee to the suburbs...or the nunnery

So word on the street is that the back patio at Lucky 13 is closing at 11pm nowadays because the neighbors are having a shitfit about the noise. Mind you, Lucky 13 is located right off of Church and Market, a buzzing area sandwiched between the castro and mission. My favorite bar, the Gold Cane, is getting more and more adament about shutting down their famous, smoker-friendly back patio around 11pm on weekends because a lawyer neighbor is threatening legal action.

Where are we, Palo Alto?

Uptight people.....you've always been on my shit list. I have no problem with those of you who reside in your compulsively clean gated communities, going weeks without seeing a lick of graffiti, or a bum, or anything that may slightly inconvenience your robotic life. But what the fuck was going through your head when you decided on your apartment in a notoriously hectic San Francisco neighborhood?

There is a certain checklist that even the most irresponsible and oblivious of potential tenant would go through- they scan their neighborhood. Are you trying to say that you didn't do recon work and notice- hmmmm, I love those granite countertops but that bar next door may disrupt my beauty sleep.

If you're old enough to live on your own, you should be self aware enough to know what does and doesn't work for you and your precious need for quiet. I personally would LOVE to live next to a bar in an area like Duboce Triangle or Haight....but I have a very high threshold for noise. My close friends live immediately above (like floor vibrating above) a bar on Haight Street and they simply adapted because they knew what they were getting themselves into. It also doesn't hurt that they think the idea is kind of fun- the view from their window provides hours of entertainment.

Once upon a time people came to this city because of its reputation, not for 5am yoga and haute brunches. SF was and should still be a place that caters to the alkies, the insomniacs, the social butterflies, the adventurers. That San Francisco has the catalyst for such perfect bouts of euphoria experienced by yours truly, don't ruin this for us.

Late Night Survival Guide

While I am by no means an expert on living like a rockstar, I've been in enough antsy, drunken late-night moments of fun deprivation to know what comforts are necessary to keep the party going after last call.

1) If you are a smoker, or if your friends are smokers and you don't mind them stinking up your pad, invest in a tobacco roller, some papers, some filters and some tobacco. Bali Shag and American Spirit tobacco are good picks that go for about $5-6 for a nice sized pouch and papers, if you're broke you can find something like Drum for about $2-3. Unless you're a dirty hippie or some kind of rogue maverick, you probably think rollies are gross- but think about all the times your crew ran out of smokes and bombarded that poor bastard with a half a pack. Desperate people will smoke anything.

2) Keep something like tang or lemonade mix around as an emergency chaser/mixer. It's better than milk.

3) Running out of booze can be tragic, but most of the time it is a blessing in disguise. There's generally a good reason why stores refuse to sell alcohol after a certain hour and chances are, if you're jonesing for a bottle at 3:30, you've probably had enough. I try not to stockpile bottles because a liquor inventory of a significant amount can be wiped out in a single night and that's just a loss of cash, and usually dignity.

4) Ever have a fabulous, or mundane, night out only to head back to your place and zone out in front of the T.V. because it was the only thing around to distract you? That's just boring. Get a collection of board games, art supplies, cards, etc and be the person that suggests some kind of constructive activity. Don't push people to do something they don't want to do and don't be a nazi about the rules. Have you ever played a game of cards where cheating was encouraged?

5) Music should not be too much of an investment, but it should suit the crowd. Don't ever tell a group of drunkards to shut up and listen to the lyrics....man.... and also, don't always insist on being the DJ. Ask somebody else to commandiere your music and make a playlist, it's interesting to see what they can find and create from the songs that you're so used to. And, I hate to say it, but that experimental punk-bluegrass tribute band you so desperately want everyone to know you listen to will probably be ignored in favor of crowd pleasers like Modest Mouse or songs to the tune of "Fat Bottom Girls". Sorry man. Also, don't piss off your neighbors.
6) And finally, a PSA- if you're going to have drunk desperate dawn sex, use a fucking condom.