CONCISE LANGUAGE.....pass it on!

Ladies and gentleman,

I am a travel expert. I have not travelled extensively myself, but I happen to know alot of bullshit information about geography and business names. So maybe I find it more annoying than others when dealing with people who take COMMON KNOWLEDGE for granted.

I honest to goodness just got off the phone with a guy who said the following, (he was not the first person who has spewed a toiletbowl fulla redundancies and he wont be the last):

"We, my wife Shirley and myself, Larry Jones. That's J-O-N-E-S, social security number 111-11-1111 would like to go to Dallas, Texas tomorrow, Tuesday, the 23rd of December, two thousand and eight. In Dallas Texas we already have a hotel. The Hotel Dallas, in Dallas Texas, on 110 Cowboy Boulevard, Dallas Texas, 33433. The day we check out, Friday, the 26th of December, two thousand and eight, we have a flight, number 123, at seven am on Continental airlines, departing from the Dallas International Airport. Anyways, I'll get to the point. We will be awfully tired on our way back to Charlotte, North Carolina and we were hoping that there was a Starbucks, the coffee company, near the The Hotel Dallas...."


Folks, I shit thee not....

don't mean to sound like a bitch....

Buuuut, if you're trying to come off as a high roller and, for some ungodly reason, impress a person who makes travel/dinner/entertainment/party plans for the general population for a living, please consider the following:

1. If your US weekly or daily E! fix has informed you that some starlette puked on her assistant at some up and coming club, please assume that very few celebrities will show their face in this joint again and have already moved onto another spot. This will not stop the venue from attracting the models-and-bottles douche set. While your friends may ooooh and aaah with your tales of $350 bottles of goose, please be aware that your attempt at joining the name dropping world garnered you a b (maybe b+ if you're from a small town) in the grand scheme of things.

p.s., while constantly mentioning on the phone to me that you are a doctor will not hurt your chances with the club, they will most certainly not inspire me to beg and plead with the club/restaurant/hotel. Do you really think you'll be the only doctor in the joint? Are you willing to offer your medical expertise should someone overdose? That is the only scenario where I can imagine your oh so exclusive title giving you an advantage over all the other hard working folk.


2. Learn how to pronounce things in foreign languages....particularly food. A basic grasp of the general sound of the assorted romance languages should do you right. You don't need to use a phony accent, but be sure to articulate the proper sound and structure. You can spend all the money in the world on some foie gras for your table and still manage to look like a peasant if you botch the pronounciation. Now, attempting to appear civilized by gobbling the liver of a forcefed creature is another lecture, meant for another time.


le disclaimer- I should mention that I personally do not advocate all of this fancy hoity toity shit. I much prefer dive bars to lounges. With that said, I can understand why some embark on the hobby of flashiness and I make a living from coordnating this kind of thing......so keep on being fabulous. And I like doing what I do, it's a blast to live vicariously through other's travel/leisure plans! I just feel like unleashing a rant directed at those who have gotten a little out of touch with reality. And obviously, anybody who would even bother to read my ponderings is obviously of the joe 40oz mentality anyways. (fuck six packs!)


3. You cant have it both ways. I understand why you don't want to spend $1,000 on a chanel clutch. But I do not understand why you expect to be treated as if you are at the chanel store as you browse canal street.


4. You want front row or other primo seating for concerts at face value? Just think about the logistics of that. Think about capitalism. Yeah, very unlikely. And if you're not a huge fan, don't just go for front row tickets because you think it will impress your date and secure some kinda post encore performance of your own. There's nothing worse than being at a concert of a band that you adore and watching some douchnozzles in the front row texting and nodding off mid-performance.


5. If you want the best room or the best table in the house, you have to give me a reason. We need to know what makes you sooooo special. If you can assure me (and the restaurant) that you are willing to try two bottles of whatever they're trying to move from their shelves......I've got something to bargain with. And if you want to bullshit an anniversary or birthday, fine. But please consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, you are grabbing a spot that could be used by somebody who *is* indeed celebrating something.

Because....really....what the hell makes you think you're so goddamned special? You are not the only paying customer....often times, you're the dude or lady who is arguing about the bill and shorting the staff on tips. And yet, somehow you insist on having the best of everything. Did your parents give you too much positive reinforcement, or teach you that you never have to wait your turn? What is there to look forward to if you insist on always going for the best?

6. Put things into perspective. Be grateful that you are doing what you're doing and consider how many people in this world will never get the chance to eat such an establishment, or go on such a trip. Learn to roll with the punches. And don't you fucking dare call me to say that your wife is crying hysterically because the host just informed you that it will be an additional 15 minute wait for your table. Need I remind you that we're at war?

I've had a half a dozen people call to inform me that their trip is ruined because they only have a partial ocean view instead of a full on view- mind you, most of them booked their rooms at heavily discounted rates, which means that they are to recieve whatever room is available. Don't get me wrong, if you get screwed over while paying top price, I will do everything in my power to ensure that you get what you were promised. But with a good rate comes a few concessions, please understand that.

Ahem, to conclude this know-it-all rant-

You want to be classy? Be humble. Treat your fellow patrons and the staff with respect and appreciation. Have fun. Pick things that are based off of your needs, your preferences, your taste. Learn to name drop with some subtlety. Keep your bearings in any situation. And PLEASE avoid cliches!

screw me once...screw me twice....screw me three times a lady

Is it better to be paranoid or trusting? In my hospitaliserf position, it's especially bitchy to question or deny a complaint.

Imagine the following interactions-

Guest: That hooker you set me up with stole my wallet and gave me this black eye!
Me: How am I supposed to know you just don't like it rough...did she also give you that cold sore? I bet you're going to tell me that now you can't afford to pay for the room without your "wallet", how convenient!

Guest: There's a peep hole in the shower! I could feel eyes on me last night! EYES!
Me: You loved every minute of it, ho!

Guest: I saw a mouse in my room!
Me: You must have stolen it from the restaurant! They said they were one mouse short for tonight's souffle.

You get my point.

Some French bastard came huffing and puffing downstairs last night as well as this morning to let us know that his room was not cleaned last night.

French Bastard- Eet was deesgusting! How could you (he decided to point at me for emphasis, despite the fact that I had yesterday off) let such ze thing happen! (you get the point with the accent, I'll spare you from here.)

Me- I saw a note about that from last night. I am very sorry and I will have housekeeping clean your room first thing this morning.

FB- Unacceptable! This is a disgrace! Boo hiss!

Me- Again, I apologize. Our housekeepers must have miscommunicated with one another, it is an honest mistake that very rarely happens.

FB- miscommunicate??? What do they have to communicate? ZE CLEAN ZE ROOMZ! ZAT IZ ALL ZE DO!

Nobody talks shit about my housekeepers, nobody! Motherfucker was expecting a free room, I gave him $45 off to shut his trap.....only to find out later on that his room was cleaned yesterday. The housekeepers couldn't remember if they did or they didn't, but maintenance was there yesterday evening, and sure enough, clean as a whistle.

I. Have. Been. Duped.

This isn't the first time and, as long as I stay employed at this place, it wont be the last. Apparently there are people who get off on this- going to little botique hotels, sabotaging something in their room or outright lying about something (i.e. "I asked for a 6am wakeup call! I never got one! Now I missed an important meeting and I'll never get promoted and be forced to live in middle middle class mediocrity forever! I WILL SUE YOU!") and then trying to score what they can. Travel agents, the last of a dying breed of professions (thanks internet!), are famous for this. Only they threaten us with their travel agenty powers, or lack thereof.

The thing that super duper burns my ass is that many of these people can afford our rates and then some. Frenchie, for example, is decked out in an outfit straight from the pages of esquire. I could pay for my last semester at USF with his wristwatch. So screwing over a struggling business and completely taking advantage of a trusting young lady such as myself must give him some kind of sexual pleasure. I feel used :(