slap my ass and send me to shawshank

I had a subscription to Mother Jones for a while, but issues upon issues would go into exile in the 1287 bathroom. It's an okay mag- a bit too fussy and touchy for my tastes sometimes, but meant to be browsed online when I'm in a give-a-shit mood.

Lo and behold, they have a handy dandy guide to the latest prison slang...

Dude, prisoners are witty!

bo-bos: prison-issued tennis shoes
bone yard: trailers used for conjugal visits
brake fluid: psychiatric meds such as liquid Thorazine
Buck Rogers time: a sentence with parole unimaginably far in the future
chalk: prison moonshine
chin check: to punch an inmate in the jaw to see if he'll fight back
clavo: (Spanish for "nail") dangerous contraband
diaper sniper: child molester
diesel therapy: a lengthy bus trip, used as a punishment
ding wing: mental health ward
erasers: chunks of processed chicken
high class: hepatitis C
iron pile: weightlifting equipment
jack book: any magazine with pictures of women
the monster: hiv
ninja turtles: guards dressed in riot gear
robocop: guard who writes up every infraction, no matter how small
six-five: warning that a guard is approaching
stainless-steel ride: lethal injection
13 1/2: 12 jurors, 1 judge, and 1/2 a chance; seen in prison tattoos

Anyone fresh from the joint that can verify any of these?

http://www.motherjones.com/news/feature/2008/07/slammed-block-talk.html

Quitting.....take four

This attempt at quitting seems right simply because I've never been so repulsed by my smoking. Plus Ned quit and Jake is quitting with me.

I'm going for a distraction approach, which includes:

*Twelve packs of gum, stashed in various purses, cubicle drawers, and all throughout 1287.

*A scheduled cleaning, purging, and febreezing of 1287.

*A stack of trashy novels to read while waiting for the bus and drinking my morning coffee (my most difficult triggers)

*Various plans made with non-smoking friends to ensure distraction and support.

*Boisterous claims of quitting and willpower that may damage my fragile ego should I be caught with a cigarette

*A bottle of radioactive detox goo.

*A box o' nicotine patches.

And now comes the grand experiment. I've heard rumors of crazed, vivid, hallucogenic dreams and nightmares experienced by some folks who wear the patch as they sleep. I'm hoping this will happen to me. I suppose if I will myself to have an extra-surreal dream, it probably wont happen but I'll try my best to keep a blank mind before I go to bed and a pice of paper at the ready to record everything I remember as soon as I wake up.

When the Levee Breaks

What the hell is happening to my inbox these days? Recently I recieved four different July 4th emails from my friends that bash Muslims, one of which suggesting that it is our patriotic duty to run around naked to force potential terrorists to commit suicide (God Bless America!) and three emails that compare the post-flood behavior of Iowa residents to New Orleans residents.


You guys know I love offensive humor, but there is a snarkiness to these emails that suggests that they are not just in good fun.


Is there some post-post-9/11 pro-america resurgence that I haven't been clued in on? When have I, at any point in my life, given the impression that I am unsympathetic to the effects of systemic poverty? Or, similairly, when have I ever claimed to be threatened by sharing a country with people who believe different things than I do? I celebrated my Independence Day for what it was- a well earned day off in a country that wants its people to feel guilty for taking one.


And despite what the July 4th emails suggested- I'm pretty sure Muslim families did the same exact thing. While, yes, most Muslim adults were not cracking open budweisers and gobbling down sausages, they were definitely not emailing or approaching me with judgement concerning my decision to do so.


And now we come to New Orleans Vs. Iowa.


Here's part of the email:

"... As you watch the flooding in the Midwest , have you noticed that there are no farmers running around with stolen plasma TVs or holding stolen liquor over their heads. There's no looting or yelling "Where's Bush?", "Where's FEMA?, Where's my check?", or "Why isn't the Gov't out here saving me and my farm?"


Likewise, I've also noticed there are no reports of any other country coming to help or sending aid.

Where are all of the Hollywood celebrities holding telethons asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping the folks affected by the floods?

Where is all the media asking the tough questions about why the federal government hasn't solved the problem? Asking where the FEMA trucks (and trailers) are?"


I've actually gotta give it to this email, it is one of the most flawless displays of passive-aggressive white frustration that I have ever seen outside of a Ron Paul fundraiser. Such a beautiful cock-tease of an email.....coming so close, but never quite saying those magic words.......

BLACK PEOPLE

Ah. That felt good. Now, I could do the whiny internet thing and start whimpering about the following:

Iowa residents have had nothing but praise for the work done by FEMA. Apparently they have gotten their shit together and developed a winning system after the trial run in New Orleans. Kinda like the Tuskegee experiments!

New Orleans and Louisana have the highest national rate of resident retention. This has alot to do with their dismal national educational rankings. Meaning- when all you know is your multi-generational home, and when that home fails to provide you with an education and when that lack of education does not allow you to get a decent job in a tourism-based economy because you're considered too threatening to mix margaritas in the open mouths of 20 year old girls....you're going to be a little bit upset when that home becomes obliterated and the very goverment that has been begrudgingly giving you scraps to make up for their past and present slights decides that it has more important bureaucratic concerns than preventing people from starvation, disease, and death.....this anger understandably increases. It's kind of like living in the suburbs without a car and your parents are forcing you to take online classes at the University of Phoenix.

Alas, I digress. What I really want to discuss is again this passive aggressive attempt at displaying white pride by contrasting it with the behavior of the non-white community. That's all these emails are saying- look at how they behave when the shit hits the fan and look at our reaction. Go us! We don't need handouts.....unless, of course, they come in the form of tax breaks or a tank of gas. Is it really necessary to turn a natural disaster into a pissing contest? Are we really so insecure that we need to validate our superiority at the expense of others? (the 4th of July emails are a prime example of this as well). Taking a look at slavery, our treatment of migrant and factory workers, Vietnam, and just about every other international conflict we've gotten ourselves into.....yes, yes we are!

Now a worthwhile counter argument is to go on about the double standard that some white folks looooove to point out. How can there be a black history month and not a white history month? What if there was a straight pride parade? Why are Latino's allowed to be proud of their culture but we aren't? To these questions, I really don't have an answer. They're valid in argument but they, and the concepts they mention, are all distracting bullshit. It's petty token-ism in an era of big fucking problems. I do not believe in race-based affirmative action- after all, the fact that I claimed to be Mexican on my college applications is laughable! But the arguments against it are just so fucking whiny that I just can't stand the issue. The only elloquent argument against race-based affirmative action that I've heard comes from Obama in Audacity of Hope in which he argues that it should be income-based.

Anyways, I've ranted for far too long and I hope the friends who sent me these emails are not offended by this rebuttal. But that's the spirit of argument, isn't it? I just can't understand why we just can't be decent to one another and feel empathy without exception or qualification.