don't mean to sound like a bitch....

Buuuut, if you're trying to come off as a high roller and, for some ungodly reason, impress a person who makes travel/dinner/entertainment/party plans for the general population for a living, please consider the following:

1. If your US weekly or daily E! fix has informed you that some starlette puked on her assistant at some up and coming club, please assume that very few celebrities will show their face in this joint again and have already moved onto another spot. This will not stop the venue from attracting the models-and-bottles douche set. While your friends may ooooh and aaah with your tales of $350 bottles of goose, please be aware that your attempt at joining the name dropping world garnered you a b (maybe b+ if you're from a small town) in the grand scheme of things.

p.s., while constantly mentioning on the phone to me that you are a doctor will not hurt your chances with the club, they will most certainly not inspire me to beg and plead with the club/restaurant/hotel. Do you really think you'll be the only doctor in the joint? Are you willing to offer your medical expertise should someone overdose? That is the only scenario where I can imagine your oh so exclusive title giving you an advantage over all the other hard working folk.


2. Learn how to pronounce things in foreign languages....particularly food. A basic grasp of the general sound of the assorted romance languages should do you right. You don't need to use a phony accent, but be sure to articulate the proper sound and structure. You can spend all the money in the world on some foie gras for your table and still manage to look like a peasant if you botch the pronounciation. Now, attempting to appear civilized by gobbling the liver of a forcefed creature is another lecture, meant for another time.


le disclaimer- I should mention that I personally do not advocate all of this fancy hoity toity shit. I much prefer dive bars to lounges. With that said, I can understand why some embark on the hobby of flashiness and I make a living from coordnating this kind of thing......so keep on being fabulous. And I like doing what I do, it's a blast to live vicariously through other's travel/leisure plans! I just feel like unleashing a rant directed at those who have gotten a little out of touch with reality. And obviously, anybody who would even bother to read my ponderings is obviously of the joe 40oz mentality anyways. (fuck six packs!)


3. You cant have it both ways. I understand why you don't want to spend $1,000 on a chanel clutch. But I do not understand why you expect to be treated as if you are at the chanel store as you browse canal street.


4. You want front row or other primo seating for concerts at face value? Just think about the logistics of that. Think about capitalism. Yeah, very unlikely. And if you're not a huge fan, don't just go for front row tickets because you think it will impress your date and secure some kinda post encore performance of your own. There's nothing worse than being at a concert of a band that you adore and watching some douchnozzles in the front row texting and nodding off mid-performance.


5. If you want the best room or the best table in the house, you have to give me a reason. We need to know what makes you sooooo special. If you can assure me (and the restaurant) that you are willing to try two bottles of whatever they're trying to move from their shelves......I've got something to bargain with. And if you want to bullshit an anniversary or birthday, fine. But please consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, you are grabbing a spot that could be used by somebody who *is* indeed celebrating something.

Because....really....what the hell makes you think you're so goddamned special? You are not the only paying customer....often times, you're the dude or lady who is arguing about the bill and shorting the staff on tips. And yet, somehow you insist on having the best of everything. Did your parents give you too much positive reinforcement, or teach you that you never have to wait your turn? What is there to look forward to if you insist on always going for the best?

6. Put things into perspective. Be grateful that you are doing what you're doing and consider how many people in this world will never get the chance to eat such an establishment, or go on such a trip. Learn to roll with the punches. And don't you fucking dare call me to say that your wife is crying hysterically because the host just informed you that it will be an additional 15 minute wait for your table. Need I remind you that we're at war?

I've had a half a dozen people call to inform me that their trip is ruined because they only have a partial ocean view instead of a full on view- mind you, most of them booked their rooms at heavily discounted rates, which means that they are to recieve whatever room is available. Don't get me wrong, if you get screwed over while paying top price, I will do everything in my power to ensure that you get what you were promised. But with a good rate comes a few concessions, please understand that.

Ahem, to conclude this know-it-all rant-

You want to be classy? Be humble. Treat your fellow patrons and the staff with respect and appreciation. Have fun. Pick things that are based off of your needs, your preferences, your taste. Learn to name drop with some subtlety. Keep your bearings in any situation. And PLEASE avoid cliches!