I would say that the height of my badassery came at a somewhat early age. While it was nice to get my wild child ways out of my system, it means that my trailblazing days are far behind me and I feel far too domesticated and potty trained to restart the good fight. Is it possible that I used up my sass resevior?
At ten years old, after two dedicated years of service, I was asked to leave the Junior Girl Scouts of America.
Apparently I was insubordinate in the following ways (as it was explained to my mother, who kicked some soccermom ass upon hearing this) :
1. I dared to challenge the cookie conspiracy. I had fallen a dozen boxes short of top seller for two years in a row, depriving me of the mountain bike of my dreams. My sales tactics were inventive and aggressive- I cornered the guys at my Dad's bar every weekend and would not stop pestering them until they signed up for at least five boxes. The first year's work allowed the product to sell itself, as I came to realize that tubby Chicago biker gangs had a soft spot for thin mints and thus a crackhead/pusher relationship was formed. The girl who won first place also happened to have one of the wealthiest families in town who were notorious for doing whatever it took on their end to make their children look like model citizens (or in our case, venture capitalists). Apparently challenging this injustice (which, even then, I believed mirrored the world at large) earned me a "sore loser" badge.
2. I did not wear the standard uniform, nor did I keep it well maintained. No excuses for this one. Unless I'm allowed to blame personality (or poorness....those damn leggings and t-shirts were expensive!) To this day, I actively protest my work uniform and usually resemble a ragamuffin in an otherwise professional setting. I assume this was a part of the organization's mission to shape us into polished young ladies, or fembots.
3. I was constantly complaining and displayed a lack of scout sp!r!t. Again, this was true. I asked why we were always sewing pot holders for our moms, or making cards for the people at the old folks home, or putting on fashion shows while the boys got KNIVES! and went HIKING! and could, if the situation arose, untie buxom women from train tracks because there is no knot that they cannot tackle! What if I wanted to save buxom women? Why did I have to *be* the buxom woman whose only talent was making napkin rings out of the rope that the boyscout untied?
So I hear that times have changed and that the Girl Scouts are becoming more progressive. Their badges focus as much on athletics and academics as they do on neatness and crafts. Apparently they're doing much more volunteer work and even going out into *gasp* nature!
But I'm still bitter...
Therefore I would like to announce that I am in the planning stages of a new institution for young women. I haven't come up with a name....for the time being I'll call them the Nisi-teers.
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